A Decade of Leukemia - Coming Full Circle

For ten years now, I have written or blogged at times about a significant part of our family's journey, and this could well be my last post on the subject.  Over the last decade, thousands of you have walked with us through arguably one of the most horrific situations a family can experience:  the diagnosis of cancer (and more specifically acute lymphoblastic leukemia - ALL) in the life of your child.  You walked with us through the months of Brad's thirteen-year-old life on a razor's edge as he was hospitalized from the initial bacterial septic shock that hurtled us down this path.  You walked with us through three-and-a-half years of the first horrible treatment and then another two-and-a-half when he relapsed - a nearly seven-year span of treatment in all.  You walked with us through two hip replacements and two hand/wrist surgeries since then to deal with the damage from all the treatment. It has been a difficult ten years - especially for Brad.

Leukemia and Lessons on Control

August 29, 2009, is a date that will forever be burned into my mind.  In some ways, it still seems like it was yesterday that my healthy thirteen year-old son almost slipped away into death.  It was a day that, up to this point, marks the defining event and dominating circumstance of my last decade.  I have been reading my posts and blogs about Brad’s battle with leukemia (and the complications it caused) from the past eight years.  I can still feel the horror of helplessly watching Brad’s unrecognizable body teeter between life and death.  I remember the joy of progress and the despair at setbacks as Brad improved and digressed.

Life is Struggle

As I sit here in the pre-dawn minutes of December 27, 2016 with my favorite coffee mug and a quiet house, I am getting a few minutes to think – something that seems rare for me these days.  The last seven years since Brad was diagnosed with leukemia have brought a range of life events I never anticipated.  I never dreamed we would deal with our child being at the brink of death so many times.  I never anticipated our entire life in many ways would revolve around this unwelcome illness.  We learned to be extremely grateful just to be out of a hospital for holidays.  I remember the Christmas of 2009 when Brad walked again for the first time in four months, and our whole family broke down in tears of gratitude. 

Swimming Against the Riptide of Gender Bending

While on vacation at the ocean some time back, I was rafting some gentle waves and lost track of the shoreline.  When I looked up, I was far from land.  I immediately began to swim back for the beach but was caught in a strong current.  I fought hard for shore but was moving farther and farther from land.  There was a point where I thought I didn’t have the strength to make it back – in fact I had gotten very nearly to the point of no return.

I now have that same sense in regard to our culture.  Yesterday, the New York Times stated that the Department of Education would issue guidelines that schools should allow students to participate in activities and use facilities in accordance with the gender with which they identify.  These guidelines come with the threat of removing federal funds if schools do not comply.  I heard high school principals, state officials from around the country, and progressive educators explaining the benefits both for our students and our country.  Cultural elites are hailing this as a great day for fairness and an inevitable step of progress toward true equality for all.

My Son's Leukemia and Checking out on God

I realize that I haven’t posted in a while, and I doubt this fact impacts too many people.  I do occasionally have folks ask, “What happened?  Why did you go silent?”  The truth is, when my son Bradley relapsed in his leukemia back in October of 2013, it rocked my world.  I tried to stay engaged with broader things around me for a while, but I basically just lost my voice as I turned more inward.  I no longer had anything to say.

How to Encourage Your Child to Abandon Christian Faith

It might surprise some to know that I once teetered on the brink of agnosticism if not outright atheism. Though it was 30 years ago, I still remember the hopeless, black, world-rending feeling of considering that there just might be no such being as God.  I didn’t feel I could talk about my doubts – I was supposed to just set aside my concerns and look to God for faith.  I didn’t think anyone would understand my doubts anyway.

Dealing with Disappointment

This past week, I saw the following tweet come across my screen:

Billy Graham ‏@BillyGraham25 Oct
"I have never met anyone... who was strong in faith, who was ever discouraged for very long." http://ow.ly/qbrl4  #devotion

 This tweet caught my attention and resonated with me.  I followed the link and found a great deal of both wisdom and truth here in this short devotional from the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. A few excerpts stood out to me:

"Discouragement is nothing new… It is as old as the history of man"

"It comes many times when we don’t get our way, when things don’t work out the way we want them to."

Disappointed with God?

What do you do when you are sorely disappointed with what God allows in your life?  Where do you turn when you have begged God for something which seems reasonable, yet God's answer is no?  How do you react when you cannot see what God is doing?  When you cannot see where he is going?  When you cannot figure out what he wants?  When you feel as if you can bear no more?

I have experienced a number of firsts the last few years, many of which I did not want.  Perhaps for the first time in my life, I am now experiencing deep disappointment at what God is allowing.  I hesitated to write this post.  I usually find blogging an outlet, but ever since my seventeen-year-old son Bradley was diagnosed with a leukemia relapse last week, I have been unable to find release through words.  I can identify my underlying feelings, but I have hesitated to admit them. It is hard to face being weak.