Disappointed with God?

What do you do when you are sorely disappointed with what God allows in your life?  Where do you turn when you have begged God for something which seems reasonable, yet God's answer is no?  How do you react when you cannot see what God is doing?  When you cannot see where he is going?  When you cannot figure out what he wants?  When you feel as if you can bear no more?

I have experienced a number of firsts the last few years, many of which I did not want.  Perhaps for the first time in my life, I am now experiencing deep disappointment at what God is allowing.  I hesitated to write this post.  I usually find blogging an outlet, but ever since my seventeen-year-old son Bradley was diagnosed with a leukemia relapse last week, I have been unable to find release through words.  I can identify my underlying feelings, but I have hesitated to admit them. It is hard to face being weak.

Over the years, I have learned to trust God in difficult circumstances.  I still do even at this point mentally, but my spirit is struggling with the lot God has given us.  When Bradley was diagnosed with leukemia four years ago, I never asked why.  It did not matter.  I just accepted it.  Now it seems as if “Why?” is a question I cannot escape.  What is God doing?  What does he want?  What else might be in store?  What are we not learning?  Why does Brad have to suffer?  Why can’t it be me instead of him?  When will it end?

From a theological standpoint, I know that dwelling on these questions is pointless.  Through the prophet Isaiah, God tells us:

Isaiah 55:8 (HCSB)
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.

Understanding certain things in this life is beyond our grasp.  Job struggled with what God was doing in his life, and learned that his perspective was in error:

Job 40:1-8 (HCSB)
1 The Lord answered Job:
2 Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct Him?
Let him who argues with God give an answer.
3 Then Job answered the Lord:
4 I am so insignificant. How can I answer You?
I place my hand over my mouth.
5 I have spoken once, and I will not reply;
twice, but now I can add nothing.
6 Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind:
7 Get ready to answer Me like a man;
When I question you, you will inform Me.
8 Would you really challenge My justice?
Would you declare Me guilty to justify yourself?

The apostle Paul talks about the distorted view we have of God’s ways here on earth:

1 Corinthians 13:12 (HCSB)
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

I have been re-reading the older posts I made about Bradley’s leukemia from when I thought we were done with treatment (here and here).  I recognize what God did then.  I know that what I wrote then is still true now.  I know that God is working, even when I cannot see it.  I am praying for better days ahead.  In what is again another first for me, I am starting to truly long for the day when:

Revelation 21:3b-4 (HCSB)
3b Look! God’s dwelling is with humanity, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God.  4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  Death will no longer exist; grief, crying, and pain will exist no longer, because the previous things have passed away.

I really like the sound of that.  Though I know that dwelling on our difficulties is pointless, I also know it is very human.  Even Jesus struggled with the ordeal before him as he prepared to lay down his life for our sins. I have dwelt on the "why" this last week, but I will not wallow in it.  Someday, this will all make sense.  Someday, the pain will subside.  Someday, I will see this more from God’s perspective.  Until then, I press on in weakness while I wait eagerly to feel God's strength again.