Advice for the Best Man - Avoiding 9 Pitfalls that Can Wreck a Wedding Speech

As the wedding season moves into full swing, I have some unsolicited advice which might benefit you prospective best men and maids of honor.  If you have been asked to serve in such an important role, count yourself special.  Someone values you highly.  This honor typically includes the expectation that you will give a speech at the wedding reception of your friend.  For many, the thought of taking a microphone and speaking to hundreds of people you barely know can be downright terrifying.  If you will just keep a few things in mind, you can give a killer address that will honor your friend for a lifetime.

1. Introduce yourself, but do it in twenty words or fewer.
   One of two avoidable mistakes is often made when starting wedding speeches.  The first is assuming that everyone knows who you are (I mean you are the best man, right?).  Guests do not know who you are.  Define your relationship to the couple, but do it very, very concisely.  The purpose of introducing yourself is to establish your credentials for honoring the bride and/or groom.
   
   The second mistake I frequently see is assuming that guests want to know every detail about your relationship to the bride and/or groom.  Let me assure you – they do not.  I cringe when I hear the words, “I first met Sally at summer camp...”  This is the point in time when I mosey on back for another cup of coffee and maybe a little sack-full of M&Ms from the candy table.  As a best man or maid of honor, the wedding guests only want to hear enough from you to know more about the couple – not about you.  If someone wants to know more about you or your history with the couple, they will ask you later.
    
2. Keep your remarks brief.
   Your comments should be no more than five minutes.  A two or three minute speech is fine if your remarks are meaningful and to the point.  Make the effort to keep your remarks concise.  You can choose to blather on, but in so doing you merely blemish your friend’s special day.  Guests are far more interested in the cake than your life story.  Keep ‘em moving toward the cake.
   
   On a related note, prepare for your own emotions.  If you become a blubbering mess, that’s OK.  Hug the couple, tell them the one thing you most want to say, and bail out.  There is nothing more awkward than watching an emotional wreck who is determined to cover her ten points.  Again, the purpose of your speech is not about you.  Know when to quit.  There’s grace in that.
    
3. Prepare ahead of time.
   It is downright awful to hear, “Uhh, I understand I’m supposed to give a speech, so here goes.”  At this point, I already know it’s going to be painful.   If you agree to speak in front of a group, take it seriously and prepare ahead of time.   Learn the insights of Lord Francis Bacon who apologized to a friend for not having enough time to write a brief letter.  If you need a note card with some points to keep you on track, take it, but for Pete’s sake, don’t stand there and read your thoughts.  Look at your friend.  Say what is on your heart.  Put some time into preparation.  A friend deserves your best.
    
4. Honor the bride and groom.
   Your words should draw no attention whatsoever to yourself.  No one is there to see you.  The guests’ only interest in you is in your honoring the bride and groom on their special day.  Measure every word by asking yourself if it builds up the bride and/or groom.  Ask yourself if you are somehow drawing attention to yourself or making yourself the hero of some story.  If so, cut these words out.  This day is not about you!
   
   Speak from the heart.  What is it about your friend that you love?  What one or two character traits does he or she display that you admire?  What hopes and wishes do you have for the newlyweds as a couple?  What do they mean to you?  Do you have a brief anecdote that honors the bride or groom?  What relationship do you hope to have with them in the future?  Look at them, tell them what they mean to you, and hand over the microphone!
    
5. Do not target your speech to the bridesmaids and groomsmen.
   I frequently see wedding parties (aside from the bride and groom) who somehow think the event is about them.  There are hundreds of other guests who have no idea what you are talking about when you focus upon each other and crack up uncontrollably at each other’s wedding party wit.  You come across as immature and silly.  Remember item four – the wedding is not about you!
   
   Folks, you are strictly there to support and encourage the couple.  You are not the center of attention.  You should see your role as that of a prop functioning to draw attention to the bride and groom.  If the bride and groom want to draw attention to you, they will do so.  Leave that to them.
    
6. Do not use insider talk.
   Keep your past frictions, your inside jokes, and your “remember when” moments to more appropriate private times with your friends.  Realize that even most of the wedding party may not understand your inside comments.  Mature men and women engage the whole audience in public addresses – not just their intimate associates.   Think about whether the bride’s Aunt Kim who just came up from Atlanta will understand your point.  If she won’t track with you, cut it out of your remarks.  Make sure the whole audience understands what you are talking about.
    
7. Drop the marriage advice.
   Let’s face it – you are maybe twenty-four or twenty-five years old (this may sound young in some circles, but I am writing from an Evangelical Christian perspective, and we marry a bit younger).  You are likely not married, or if you are, only recently married.  You don’t know beans about marriage, and your “wise” proclamations only highlight your ignorance and lack of self-awareness.  Unless you have been married more than five years, show some humility and avoid marriage advice altogether.
    
8. You are not a performer in a comedy club.
   Again and again, I witness failed attempts at humor resulting from telling embarrassing stories about the bride or the groom.   You are likely not a comedian, and it is never in good taste to tear down anyone publicly, even in jest.  I assure you, the bride or groom do not want to hear jokes about their past romances, past troubles, or past mistakes.  You cannot make these topics funny to the couple or their families.  At a wedding celebration, such humor goes over like a lead balloon – a wedding speech is not a celebrity roast.  
   
   Think about it:  would you want someone to stand in front of a group of your closest family and friends, as well as new family and friends with whom you want to start well, and then blind-side you with past failures, flaws, or embarrassing stories?  Are the things people tease you about always funny to you?  Do others always recognize your sensitive spots?  Would you want them to highlight their perceptions of your foibles in front of a crowd?
   
   DO NOT DO IT!  Save the comedy routine for another time, or better yet nix it altogether.  Few of us are as funny as we think we are anyway.
    
9. The way you conduct your address is a reflection upon both you and your friend.  I stated in item four that a wedding address is not about you, and it isn’t – but it is.  Even though you are not the focus, you are also on display when you give a wedding speech.  If you speak from the heart, briefly, and with grace, people take note.  They may actually want to learn more about you.  They will already have formed a positive opinion of you.  Someone in the crowd may consider hiring you.  A potential soul-mate might decide they’d like to meet you.  Most importantly for the day, the guests will walk away thinking that your friend truly is the person that they already believed him or her to be as evidenced by their gracious best man or maid of honor.
   
   Conversely, if you ignore the foregoing advice, you will give the impression that you are immature or even worse.  You will cause the wedding guests to quietly, maybe subconsciously, question the judgment of your just-married friend who apparently chooses close associates poorly.  You will leave negative impressions of yourself with many people who likely overlap into your world.  This can bear negative consequences for you longer than you might think.  Treat your speech with the seriousness it deserves.  If you are going to operate in the adult world, act like it!

By this point, I may have you terrified at the thoughts of delivering such an address at a wedding.  That is not my intent.  I just want you to see the importance of the words you choose.  Don’t be afraid.  Just remember your role.  Keep the focus where it belongs.  You’ll never regret honoring a friend if you do it well.   This is a necessary skill of adulthood.